i realised i was heading nowhere. i was dead. searching for the dreamer in me, i came accross this beautiful couplet from Ghalib Sahab. n then began this quest to feel complete again. maybe it wasnt as serious as i made it out to be, just the after effects of a nagging illness. but anyways, here i am trying to pursue one of my biggest love - writing. and what i will be writing about is any random thought that crosses my mind. nothing more, nothing less for the perils are one might lose track of what he had set out to do. just what i remembered from my past. not because i tried to but because it hapened jlt. and thats what makes it so special. no, i am definitley not trying to discover myslef, but am simply being me.
or am i only fooling myself ? i have already forgotten what i wanted to write! but then, the sheer magic there is in knitting together words that seem tocome striaght from my heart which many old to be the seat of God in a man, is enough to make one submit and flow with the thoughts ...
well its been almost a week since i write tht .. or has it been more ? whatever, it does not matter because i still havent found the answers .. but trying to find them, i post here some random flash from the past
"Very Quick and very wrong" (Microorganisms for trace nutrients ???? !!!!)
name please - RC (a perfect example of bitching)
parent teacher meeting in town !!
and of course, in the run up to the event, its the ozone layer which makes OZ bowlers apply glycerine !!
i have been wronged .. i forgave them all ... will i be able to forgive these ? i hope so ... i wasnt wronged against, the agrieved person wouldnt even remeber probably ... but thn i do ! will i b able to forgive ? i hope so ...
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its been another week or so .. and this time its me for sure :) after all it was my bag, my tiffin box and crumbs from my lunch ... every day, i would come back from school, change and settle down for lunch .. and then get chided by mom for having faied yet again to take out my lunch box (the green plastic one that i used for i guess 8 long years to be succedded by my elder bro's identocal white one for the next two years ..... he had a much better handling of all objects than i could ever hope to have !) and on days, when i really did remember, i would also take out my school diary (yeah baby, we did have one fo those with space for teachers' remarks, reason for absence to be written by the parents and to be signed by the class teacher and the principal, and of course, the all important National Anthem and the school prayer and college anthem) .. and the only reason to do so was to check what classes i had during the day and to try and vaguely recollect what had transpired in those five hours at school in 8 sessions of 35 min each (hehe, have been sleeping in the classes for longer than you can remember ;)) and also to see what submissions might be needed for tomorrows classes (which would again mean a reason for me to try and bunk school without any uck though :( :D) ... but why i think of those days now is a much a mystery to me as it might be to you, the reader. the only reason why i can think of is that there was perhaps some elemnt in my life that i miss now. but for a change, i will not try to make sense of it now. i will simply savour the yummy taste of the two bread slices with "malai" and honey and the tasty tasty apple :) ahhhh :)
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n ts back .. the feeling of roughness .. as if i just touchde something very rough coming after a smooth n polished surface "sanmaika" or whatever they call it .... of suddenly havinf=g steped barefoot on some weird kind a grass ... the grass tht grew almost everywhere but i the one place i diostinctly remeber was in front of the place of worship (which explains the barefoot thing) and before the car parking lot next to the huge rock. ntalking of tht same place a lil earlier still, there was a night time game of i spy and the big guys all hi=d on top of the parking lot having climbed the rocks n it was thrill to et em ... .. meanwhile, i am still having difficulty in walkin on the grass .. cant go further n cant go back .. it hurts hichever way i go ... n i come back to the Thallessery beach where it was the same ... chasing a cric ball ... the smooth run ends in rough patch n when ur there u dont know which way to go ... n often u realise pretty late tht u r trapped ... n even longer it takes to realise tht its ur inertia keepin u trapped there ... n rash actions wont help ... funny
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and i heard this one while surfing through the channels ... "Main gira to ruk gaye the sare lekin sochta hoon uthane aye the kitne" or something like that .. was gripped by a sudden feeling that i have come accross this before ... but i have never read these lines... have never heard these before .. thought it was Ghalib but even that turned out negative ... then what ? why this Deja-vu ? had i been through a situation like this before ? prehaps ... if i could have tripped on a groundnut shell or the shadow of a tree or an imli ka patta, how many actually came to see that there was the evil root sticking out its head from the ground omly underneath the shadow of a branch on an otherwise bright day, making it almost impossible to figure out if you are trying to keep pace with someone walking ahead at a brisker pace. and then its brought back after so so many years ! why am i doing this to myself! why am i letting others do this to me !!
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Thursday morning, breakfast .. IIMK mess... Daliya ..... one plate full of Poha and toped with corn flakes and about to help myself with a liberal doze of chutney .... but then .. that would also mean coming to terms with what has ben causing me a lot of uneasiness for the last five minutes. One yellow shirt, one trademark style, one unwanted companion, one lame excuse searched on the spot but never said, and it ends in a .. what .. a Hi - Hello thing ? thats it ? not really some of it at least spills over to the evening, on some day in the same week, a blue shirt, a bandaged toe finger, an overtaking in a queue, a slipper out of action, people going high .. some on booze, some on testosterone, some on chairs, a would be preposition, and an assuring blink .. an extended blink and a smile and then, maybe then its over ! ohk so we have brought some logical conclusion. but the truth is, i would never want it to end. i would cling on to these images, sometimes more often less, but i wouldnt want it to end. i wish it would end but am too feeble to put an end to it. i talk about it, seek consultation, lie to an extent, hide behind doors, drink juice and dance with sticks, and damn the fate miss what i had set out to ... but had i ben in it what would have i done ? fumbled, bungled ? and then the greatest example of unity in diversity. and then i wish people and in less than an hour, those wishes would go down in vain .. probably even leave a scar or two .. but nothing in the long run i know ... and i know i have messcom to thank or blame all along for removing daliya from the breakfast menu !
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The train was Shatabdi express. I remeber that from the tinted glasses. and the soundproof cabin. and the fact that my mom said he wont be able to hear it. the train moved on ... we didnt. or maybe i didnt. for me this will always be the classic in my head ... he look of responsibility and slight resignation of loneliness and regretting the compulsions that kept one bound. No bounds now but that only lets memories float whenever and wherever they want to.
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