the elusive elevating elixir

off late it has happened to me (and alarmingly, with greater frequency !) that some event caught me by surprise and even as i was debating whether to accept it or to start analysing it, trying to raise sufficient doubt in my mind so as to keep it on a shelf which badly needs dusting, (its been quite a looong while since I checked on the progress of events filed there) I conclude that it went by unnoticed all along and that is where the fault lies !! and then I realise that it went by unnoticed all along and that  is where the fault lies. Hasty updates of the shelf material and I go on. And after two days, it hits back. U stand back, remove yourself, look at the shelf (only look, without doing anything of course) and then the thoughts cross the mind – why did THIS happen to me ? why did this happen to ME ? WHY did this happen to me ? and another sets of events gets ready to catch u unaware ! Denial? Mockery? Resistance? But the pain hasn’t subsided, you have only learnt to live with the pain, with a few pain killers probably. And then the realisation that you no longer need the pain killers. You celebrate the day, a victory on your dilemmas, a triumph of mind over matter. And then you move on, leaving those issues behind. Then the dust becomes too much to handle! You want the files on the shelve to shrink, to burn, to disappear. You write a closing chapter for all the files waiting for the opportunity to just fit it in and throw the file away. But you cant do that. It only scatters the pages all over, and the pages most often are left there till another file appears, pushing you to look for free spaces in the room!  And you realise that you have been increasing the size of the shelf all this while. And then, the unmentionable happens. You remove yourself, detach yourself and yet at the same time you keep coming right back in! you try to find reasons, try to fit pieces of an unknown puzzle… a puzzle which may never even exist! Then finally you call for help and the person simply throws away those files. You cringe when that happens but you cannot cure yourself of this cancer otherwise. So you let go grudgingly. And then, since you were always avoiding the file keeping, you feel its ok to let go of the habit itself. And then? No more .. no less .. but you wait for at least one more file to come your way, at least one more shot to close the cases like you always wanted to, one more chance to detach yourself ! Not rarely is it too late. But for once, the ruins do shriek, to haunt the visitors, to give birth to legends. If only, an elixir could make me young, could take me back again; if only I could stop and skip the loop and smile again and move on (like they show in those insurance ads) and if only my old mates hadn’t grown so much so fast !!

Keep Walking ....

Follow me not .. for i like to meander, for wandering is the only thing i know, for the journey matters more to me than the destination, for i can thrive on confusion, for lost has a totally different meaning for me, for action-time response changes gears without warning, for i may not be myself, for you may not be able to stay yourself, for delay is not to everyone's liking, for being alone has its own significance, for stops aren't planned, for life itself wants to keep things hidden for you, for sustainance doesnt require a lot, for sustaining myself, i need a lot more.

tujhse naraz nahin zindagi, hairan hoon main ...

jeene ke liye, socha hi nahin, dard sambhalne honge ... muskuraaon to lagta hai ki honthon pe ek karz rakha hai ... jane kahan gum hua, ek aansoo chhupake rakha tha ....

very different from my last blog. life has since moved on. life has changed. a lot of things havent .. but the reaction has. and the dreamer is back at work .. trying to salvage the most of the situtation .. without caring that the situation may have changed completely by the time plan is put into action ... but after all, "cheez apni mangi maine tujhse, kedi main parayi mang li .."

in masoom sawalon se pareshan to zaroor hoon main.

rehne de mera yeh wehem ....

life is all about happy coincidences. because the sad ones we condemn as fate. If Forrest Gump said that life's a mix of both predestined events and a box of chocolates where one doesnt know what hes gonna get next, he probably meant that. Sweet chocs, sad fate. or am i being defeatist ? when i started out, i wanted to listen to this song, which i felt reflected my sitution best. but then i ended up humming along to this prayer song. that someone had wrongly named the file didnt matter. i was getting on a platter what i needed ! if only wants and neeeds were the same ! sometimes one doesnt know himself as well as he thinks ... sometimes you havent fought hard enough to be urself .. sometimes u easily let urself be led into being someone else and then when u get to fight your demons, u panic. a priest had once described the deteriorating condition under which he had to work by saying, "perhaps we are not faithful enough .. else we would never worry" or perhaps we are more faithful than needed at times. the mind inventing things to suit its needs, never really wishing to face the reality. so what should i write now ? sheesshh ! or reality check ? what difference does it make now ? things are so ingrained in me now that perhaps being myself has totally new meaning and new dimensions now. a tale of two cities, a tale of two songs, both associated in the same way, spaced apart by a few months. i do not know if there will ever be a third time .. i do not know if i will ever survive a third time ... like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill, "my relatively inexperienced heart would, I fear, not recover if I was once again  ... cast aside, which I would absolutely expect to be" but still, like he had said earlier "Remember, I'm just a guy. standing in front of a girl. asking her to love him". i am on my way ... knowing fully well that unlike Grant, i wont be able to talk about my feelings so expressly at any time. yahi hai mera mantra ... ek khwahish aisi ki hazaron baar usi pe dum nikle. banwre man ki bawri baatein, but then, without any agenda or hope, let me stay in my fairy world. i ain't no harry potter but i can definitely be happy rotter anytime of the day .. so let me stay in my world of happy and sad coincidences, when my dad wud think of me just a day before, when my mum would say that just a few hours back, when i would come back home late one night and necessarily find it out as it happened ... and i go back to being Dhirubhai's rival in the far fetchedness of the dreams.

Saadgi

Rating:	★★★★
Category:	Music
Genre:	Indie Music
Artist:	Lata Mangeshkar

the title track was good ... the music reminded me of Asha Bhinsle's album with Jagjit Singh .. forget the name .... but is the video supposed to be Lataji's way of gettting back at Asha ?? hmmm ... another stupid thing ... is it really SX4 that Amruti wanted to nme thei car ? cos 4 when written in a diffrent way looks a lot like Y ... so tht makes it SXY ! too sexy a name ? stay tuned for more random mumblings :)

... kismet se jo mili hai ...

u guessed it right .. the theme for today;s post is dosti .. friendship, yaari, buddygiri etc etc ... sat there thinking what is it that i am missing the most ... the rains, well probably but i never was very fond of rains .. just liked them because it was an essential part of K .. and they will be here any moment ... do i miss the place ? hmm maybe .. but i never really explored the place that much .. liked it because of the scenic beauty .. true the beach was near and so were a lot of destiantions for random escapades but still ... the campus ? yeah sure ! a lot ! loved that place .. would die for it ! but if i got there two years down the line, what would i do ? look at the new faces ? with some tired of frequent library night outs ?  the place which will be just as difficult to live in as will be Cherrapunji without the comfort of understanding the local language !! No .. i guess not ... probably it was the people who made it better ... well, in a lot of cases, the place also made the people better ... but all in all, without friends, even K would lose its sheen ... yeah, a lot of gooood memories still remain .. with every little nook and corner of the insti, it will be dificult to relive hem without the ones who were the very reason for those memories !

heard this phrase on the tube sometime back .. tried googling for it but to no avail ... amposting it here because this is one place where i believe it fits - "main gira tha to ruk gaye the sare, lekin sochta hoon uthane aye kitne" and pretty true. some stopped to laugh, some to comment on my stupidity, but only the dearest ones picked me up and helped me stand again ... and i have been very lucky in that sense !
Salutes doston ! Miss U all !

Gandhiji Rocks !

am not talking about a dhoti clad person who would fast until death .. i am not talking about those round glasses or khadi spun on a charkha ... yep those were his ideals and symbology but carying on those things without paying attention would not make that much sense to me .. mind you, i am a big khadi fan but mostly for different reasons ! i am talking about Gandhigiri, or the simplicity of thought and purity of deeds   (  look whos talking !) but yeah i did surprise myself and maybe one other guy, perhaps two ... with what i did ! and the results were unsurprisingly a win for Gandhigiri. be true, dont stumble in the face of adversity and non violence shall guide you to victory ! the violence in this case was at times bad, at times too tempting to retaliate, at times too compelling to cast doubts on oneself, but in the end, it didnt win ! non violence did ! yeah, i wasnt purely a saint, (a bit of Bhagat Singh, a bit of "Bapu ne yeh nahin bola ki doosra thappad khane ke baad kya karne ka") and i did fire a miniature salvo but that served two means - one to make sure that it isnt personal, and were it not for the third guys' insecurity, we wouldnt have come to loggerheads at all ; and next to tell him that i aint a coward or an incapable castrated nerd ! but Godji,  tussi great ho ! and Bapu Rocks !

Cheeni Kum

Rating:	★★★
Category:	Movies
Genre:	Drama

would have called this movie a comedy had it not been for the last half an hour which i personally felt was a bit of a drag on ... the rest of it was nice .. reminded of an old DD news clip when Boris Yeltsin, the then president of Russia had visited India and clasped his arms around the iron pillar at Mehrauli with half a foot of space to spare ... was nice to see that thing again ... nice romance .. the dialoues were really witty at places and sometimes outrageous ... needless to say i enjoyed it . and what with Mr. Nawani keeping us all in splits these days, i definitely thanked everyone for making me change my mind about not watching shootout . however, i still believe that movies are made for everyone, not just the multiplex crowd, which is where this film fails ... the last half an hour takes it into a toally dofferent genre which reminds me more of a saaas bahu and saajish than anything else ... cheeni kuchh zyaada hi ho gayi !
but looking t the positives, the performance of Sexy, the child star was really good ! sort of reminded me of the lil girl in Black, Ayesha Kapoor, i think her name was ... am also told that the lil boy in Vastushastra also put up a good performance ... hope these kids will be one of the finest actors of their age when they grow up, if they choose to continue inthe same profession. which reminds me of Hansika Motwani ! man what a change ! except her toothy grin .. which my neighbour is so fond of .. and now we are heading into the blog territory .. why do i always get to meet a lot of interesting people ? or is it justa part of me that tends to look at thing hitherto unseen or discarded as unimportant parts ? man good people are hard to find .. but its not so difficult to identify the goodness in a common man ! and it becomes even easier if the man isnt so common after all !

hmmmm ... cheeni hamesha kum hi rah jati hai .... !

the story without sex ...

and this again refers to the last post ... Drew Barrymnore in the movie says "a melody is like sex but the lyricsd are the story" hmmm .. well i do have some story so to say ... but no sex ! so here are some of my old and rusty compositions from old days ... again, these were mentioned twice before in the blog ..

the Shakespearean untitled poem

No pain is worth your tears
for they are my life's worst fears.

the faintest quiver in thy speach,
puts through my heart a gaping breach

in your eyes, when i see this haze,
my soul goes up in hell's blaze

so come on and put up a smile,
we still have to go many a mile.

ok .. lemme tell you the truth .. all these poems including the first one which was posted sometime back, were written in engineering days ... which probably explains my poor grades .. and some of them writtedn in the 1-2 month crush period (mind you my best scores were during that sem !) and the rest written later just because i had noithing to dfo or rather didnt feel like doing anything. however, the first poem i wrote wasnt meant for anyone in particular .. had written that just because i was going home after whart was a terribly cold and harsh winter but sadly it came close on the heels of V day .. and u know what all shit can happen in a boys' hostel ! well, in a lil different vein, here goes another untitled one -

Something Stupid ...

that twinkle in your eye
that smile ever so shy
for those lucky ones who behold,
a reason very strong to die

that divinely sweet look
that hair flowing like a brook
call me blessed or call me cursed
they sure fill my heart with crook

that voice so very true
that clear heart, you can see through
you've just touched the right chord baby
i dont know what my life would be without you !

this one i believe was written sometime later in a fit of vellapanti and celebrating "old days" .. and again, from the original stable of poems comes this one -

An ode to Basic Electrical Engineering

Darling you are like a clamper
but remember, I'm a high breakdown zener

your love in me is like a rectifier
and for all opther doubts, our union will be the filter !

.... well that probably neatly sums up the futility of teaching a mechie all those clipper-clampers, diodes and other semiconductor devices and analog eelctronics !!

1+1=0

thats what happens when u try to sing a duet like a solo number .. and add to that a hoarse "besura" like me and the results could be devastating.

Nevertheless, enjoy the song. at this time, this is all i wanted to write. and then this song came along and summed it up so beautifully. all i wannna do is find a way back into love ...

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration 
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

the truth shall liberate you

its been a long time since i last posted here ... not that it really matters but what matters is all that has gone on here .. of great significance as far as my personal life is concerned, but still all too distant to be penned down here. maybe i dont want to go up close. maybe i feel that at a distant level, i ama much better person. but everyday i get closer to the truth and come out of it, osciallting somewhere between what would be a complete self denial and a state of trying to figure out the unknown. while it certianly matters, what matters themost is that i do not let myself be completely led by speculative thoughts. at least one thing is certain and i am proud of it - i am a fairly consistent person. no flip floppinf for me please. and while my earlier self belief that i could cope with uncertainty with great ease is shaken, its not yet shattered. in fact, i just try to prove myslef right each time round. which brings me to the topic of the blog. Truth. funny that i write it down on the day of martyrdom of the man who championed the cause of truth. but then, i think its also a great tribute to Him.

its only the truth that can inspire confidence, its only the truth that sets you free ! none but ourselves can throw out the chains of mental slavery (Bob Marley in Redemption Song) and to do that, u need truth. true there are many laers to truth and as you move down each layer, the pure and simple truth loses its purity and becomes increasingly complex. but what you do know for sure is something that cannot be altered, sliced, destroyed. and it takes a really brave man to follow the path of truth.

cant really say how i would rank on a scale of 1 to 10, in decimals probably, but at leats i now can say that i have reached a stage where i am free. finally. its one of the things that coming to a B school has given me. i overcame the greatest fear that i had. what i hadnt bargained for was to ontinuously fight a fear. and yet today, i continue to be true to myself. true to everyone else. yes, there are overtones of "the salesman doesnt want to sell.." but all in all, i am free because there wasnt even an iota of falsehood in what i did, or what i continue to do thereafter or what i was before that. for me now, freedom isnt being able to do whatever you feel like. its being able to think of doing that outrageous thing and saying it out aloud. and while the others doubt / ridicule / oppose you have already won. "sach ki rah pe chalke aur bhi oonche ho jate hain"