Wednesday, November 2, 2005

inside out

i wanna know u inside out .. or do i really? no i dont. in fac t i hav this crazy thing tht humans are not to be dissected n understood - each part in a mathematical fromula. its ok to  b the way u r. to not b urself at times. but i do wanna know u .. so tht i dont end up doing smthing tht u may not like.  and yet, the reason why i wanna b with u is tht u'll let me be myself, yet bring out the best in me. so where do i go frm here? well lets say i wanna b a wall arnd u .. tht lets in all the happiness and blocks out the sadness. but i dont want to be a constraint .. u cant go beyond a wall u see .. i wud want u to b free. so lemme be ur shadow. i wanna go where u want, nvr to let u b alone. but even shadows fade out on a rainy day. and i wud nvr let u go in ur darkest hour. lemme b ur breath then so tht i may b with u at all times. deep in ur times of contempltion, fast when u r in the heat of action, fragrant as ever. i wish i cud say like the brook "men may come n men may go but i go on forever" but i dont want to leave u stranded when i am not thr. so i wud rather b ur frend, ur pet, a sweet dream, a story u can read over n over again, a reflection u can see all arnd u, a prayer u can recite over n over again.


hmmm quite romantic i wud say, i hav done a pretty gud job. frm what started as an emotional surge while listening to a song, ended up quite beautifully. so if u, the reader, wud like to me to b any of this, drop in a reply n i wud love to b with u.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

u cant take my happiness away frm me

my best nd longest journal entry taken away frm me courtesy this site .. my innermost emotions all poured out into words, m most beautiful thoughts, on digital data... lost forever. or is it so? i still hav them inside of me .. seated even deeper than before .. all i had written in the last thing .. was all abt situations like these .. i am happy i amm v happy .. sonds like Sehwag after recvng mom award eh? but yes am truly happy having understood the true meaning of happiness .. :))))

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

love, actually

so .. a long week awaits me.... n yet what just went by wud still remain the longest day of my life i guess ... not quite the five point someone style, but yes, a very long day ... but more than ne thing, if i could keep back with me one highlight of the day, it wud be the speculation of my being in love ... hah ! it was meant to be an innocent status message .. abt the stereo nation song tht i had found over the local net .. n was listenoing to with much delight .. but the lyrics were such tht ppl thought i was in love n very much lost in it. the long phone chats with vp just added to the confusion ... ubt tht left me pondering the question am i in love ?   what is love actually ? and wht abt the last 3 times i thought i was n love ? well whatever be the case, it was much different this time round. i still dunno if its love .. cos i certainly dont think it is .. but there is a magical aspect to this all ... n if u ask me if i remember one instance when i wud hav killed myslf for just being there wud be when she said the magic word,  ... but the magic had already been done by then .. it was just a matter of when it wud come out. well, the reason why i dont think this magic is love is because, of two reasons. firstly, this time round, i havnt turned over a new leaf, or started writing poetry like the last time round. personally, tht was a very creatively fulfilling period. secondly, there was another incidence when sm1 casually said smthing to sm other guy but it was said so sweetly and most of all innocently, tht i was mesmerised. so it definitely cant be love.


but isnt this the way i want things to be ? i just want to be myself n how many ppl make me feel at ease ? very few. so this is smthing i enjoy, or like todays class, i value. so can this be love? maybe yes. its not the magic but the simplicity of things tht i wud call  love. the honesty is the beauty or in techie language, wysiwyg. and in the most honest of all situations, i feel like i hav found smthing tht deserves the best of me ... n this is why i change, yet remain the same. this is why i love being here. this is why i can love everyone around me. this is why i can love myself. this is why i may be able to love sm1 else some day.

Friday, October 7, 2005

the salesman doesnt wanna sell, the customers dont wanna buy !!!

a classic case of the brand growing bigger than the product. worng segmentation, wrong positioning but who did this segmentation after all ? who positioned the brand. it was the ppl themselves. but then, they throw the ball back by saying that when as all this was happening, there never was any attempt to dispel a few notion or to expand the presence in other areas. so stuck to the sterotype image. is that the case ? was there never any venture into other areas? yes there was. but it was never seen. why ? i dont know. i wish i knew but i dont.


in case u r wondering what the hell does it mean, lemme tell u very frankly i am talking about
myself. this is brand "happy" overtowering the 6'2", 85 kilo 22 year old bloke somewhere in the files that gathr dust in a WIMSI. if u ask me if i know the real me i wud say no. but i hav been trying to do it. and at this point i must thank some of my friends who have helped me do tht. perhaps it was one of my mistakes that i was not able to limit my other side to just those few good mates. or maybe i didnt aggressively advertise it i am happy with my life, its pains and joys. thts the way i wanna b. myself. living up to the brand would probably kill the real me which in turn wud be the end of the brand. n of course if i dont liv upto the brand, u know its extinct.


but nw tht doesnt bother me nemore. as the mltr song goes, "i am not an actor, i am not a star". there will b stars n celebs but i wont b there. and neither will happy be one !

Saturday, September 24, 2005

the lost 's world

x comes before y. ok. but what if x comes before all ys ?
before evrything, before even ones own well being ?


how do u define being settled ? is it a state of miond that i have so
 far thought it to be or is it something else ? if yes, what more would
it take for someone to settle down ? dont u think u wud settle down after
u decide to go ahead with the proposed plan rather than wait for settling
down to go ahead with the idea ? can someone ever settle down if he doesnt want to ?
what wud make someone settle down ? even if i knew, wud it help in ne way ?



there seems to be this distant aloofness and conviction of one's beliefs
that drives great men .. but can it be a cause of their downfall also ?
that is what worries me so much. when the talk was about the smell of frwesh cut grass
was the enjoyment in the swee smell of grass or in the pride that one could boast
that this smell could bve bought at e bay ? why is this determination to
be better than the rest so dominant ? i feel i am partly reswponsible for this
of course who wudnt want his loved ones to get better but at what cost ?
oh help me God ! i know not how to handle this. guide us all. i only want to help.
but if my advice seems to b taken as a show of superiority, wot am i to do?
and i am the last one to suffer from all this, i know that. to fight the outer world,
u hav to be strong within. and if all things within start to weaken u?
i thnk i will explode if i were in the sufferer's shoes.


life is not a race. lets make it a journey of fun and peace. Amen.


 

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

the journey called .. life?

Disclaimer - this is part fiction and part fact, I leave it up to u the reader to decipher wot is fiction and wot is fact.


 


 


Ahhh. A journal entry, reminds me of the jlt days. That’s right, l and not I Jlt? It’s an acronym for just like that – the realm of space beyond all reason, where everything is done just like that only! For starters, I have always held the opinion that there is a reason behind everything, yes even behind the invention of things they sell on the telemarketing shows and even behind the people actually buying management books. And beyond that sphere of reasoning, there is me! Jlt.  so here goes.


 


The journey


 


Finally, the isolation crept up on me. But it was very different from the isolation of the previous night. In fact it was more like desolation, which had gripped me as the people left one by one… people? Nay, my dearest friends with whom I had shared so much of love, laughter and pain in the last three months… but the sudden emptiness of the place had transformed to another time and place, where evry1 was an unfamiliar person just as in the beginning of the term. But the enthu of meeting new ppl and starting out afresh had also been drained out of me and tht left a big gap. I felt so waste, about the temporary nature of life and the classic Hindi cliché of apna – paraya. Agony multiplied when I returned back to my sty (my room for all further purposes) but “in the long run” it was going to be a good decision to have made. I slept. Morn came and before long it was noon. Read a few romantic forwards, had a heavy Kerala type traditional meal and I was already looking forward to the trip in the company of the few who had been condemned to the same fate as mine – to catch the Mangala express at 3.40 pm.


 


And now, here I was, all alone, trying to sleep, fighting unknown allergies, and thinking of u. it was then tht I saw moonlight trickling in from the coach window. Wow after so many days, I cud see a moonlit sky, and the terrain resplendent in the light of the moon. Borrowed light, but still, of the moon. How like humans I thought and tht brought me back to the topic of The human I was thinking of all along. The moon wud shine on all the things on the ground. So wud tht person. A temporary settlement wud shine out more brightly than the moon, but wud eventually fade away and the celestial body wud still be shining on all of us. A water body wud reflect more of the moon’s light and proclaim itself to be a part of the moon. The bigger the hydrous mass, the more the light. It wud even illuminate the shadows where the moon could not reach. Yet never did it give the impression of it’s being a unique identity. At times the moon wud be hidden behind the clouds, but clouds, like sorrows, passed and when it came out again, the moon looked even brighter than before. My thoughts wavered, drawing out analogies between the moon and us. It’s all up to the beholder whether he chooses to see the beauty of the moon or not. How much of it he takes, how much he reflects, how much he cherishes it… the moon is not affected. But we are. It’s not often that one sees the moon. Even if it is shining brightly. But when one does, it is necessary tht he realises the true measure of his blessings and make the best use of the time he spends in borrowed glimmer. Too much of gyan? Well I am sorry. Really sorry. Not the sorry in sfs but truly, deeply sorry. But unlike my last jlt venture, which continued for a few episodes, I don’t think this one wud ever hav a continuum so had to belt out all the frustrations of the first term. Chalo then my dear reader, hav a really nice time and lemme go back to sleep just like I did after all this musing in the train somewhere on the Konkan coast, humming MLTR songs. C ya, tata, good bye, sayonara, alavida  ……  abe ab to chale bhi jaa mere dost !!!