in the company of noone

oh, and the last post had nothing to do with the title ... but not to disappoint, the Xs and Ys follow here .... surprise that Blues Rock has found favour with me in the last few days ? ... don't be ....

i dont remember when was the last time i was in a movie hall all alone. i dont even remember what alone means anymore .... alone with all the people or alone with companions. or alone as in all alone. and i dont know wht hurts more ... not talking or the dilemma of whether to call or not .... you know you are lonelier then ....

sometimes you crave loneliness .... and you know you have to do something all alone .... because its your thing. nothing wrong with that i would say as i have ben on both sides .... trying to stay aloof and trying to snap someone out of a mum spell, only to realise and respect the fact that what was needed was probably sometime all by oneself.  and then theres the third angle, the fact that you will not do anyone any good unwittingly by being with them when not in a good mood. and its this which is the most difficult to understand and explain.  this is where one again in his understanding of loneliness, its craving and its cringing.

Rock on

far too often, far too late ........ i have realised that i never really completed the things that i started .....

in case you are wondering why the text is so broken its because i lost the original version ... well, going back, its not that i did not want to complete the things ... or never wanted to do it in the first place ... no .. i def did have a start off in a confusion of motley ideas that has always given me my limited sense of clarity .... its not as if the reality changed .. it was just that i did not like to pay heed to what are now the tell tale signs of a slow impending death ....  sometimes because i thought that there was a greater goal to be achieved by redirecting elsewhere ... and am not even talking abot things where i needed someone else to do something before me .... maybe just a case of "wouldnt it be better if we had more information ?" ...  of false half starts and sudden cold feet or imaginary display of wisdom and righteousness ... and its 27 min already .... and i have listened to the three reminders, for doing something which i was hesitant to do in the past and would be hesitant to do in the future ... but whats worse, i will keep reminding myself that i did not do it in the past .. even keep souveneirs ....
happens to the best .. after all, it was for no fault of his that the poor pigeon was left incapable of flying .... he wasnt a follower or a disbeliever .. yet he got half burnt .... he did not belong to a confinement drawn once by some men and debated and fought over since ..... yet he lost one of his legs ... probably he never really finished what his destiny becokned him to ... to fly away leaving behind the luxury of soldier feed ...

i switched newspapers so that i could read the Sunday book reviews more often than those odd mornings when i did get up in time to have breakfast .... and for the last three weeks, i have read less of the sunday newspaper than whatever of it i assimilate everyday .... you see, i have completed what is arguably one of the biggest achievements in the history of my organisation. unflicnhing, un deterred, shaken but quickly steadied ... i have closed the chapter. where even celebration is a meticulously planned and well coordinated sequence of activities.

groovy kind of ....

groovy to the extent of getting into a groove ... the scariest thing could be doing things mechanically, things that wouldnt set your heart rocking on ... even Nadal finds some joy in chasin down those long balls .... its almost just as bad, if not worse to think that my heart would be expanding and shrinking at the prospect of saying something really sarcastic rather than thump as it gets lost in the woods of thought .... i wonder why temptation is more often than not dark ... why must the sunny sky and the lonely night, both be blue ? ever wondered how too many things/people with similar Xi have similar names ? another day of being the devil's advocate, running short of inspiration and too much perspiration .. wonder how much of the sweating was in doing and what, for all the protons in the world, for worrying, evading. a full stop after a long time, makes for one monkey down. and another. kids find monkeys entertaining. what if a one way street hits a dead end ? u crawl to the end having raced most of your demons, letting them catch up. do great people come in once in an era ? or is an era defined when the great one arrives ? am i looking for that one perfect statement or trying to figure out whether one is better than the other ... whatever happened to uniqueness ... guess my last leaf will find me one day. hmmm

zilchiness

you need a reason to do something but you dont need a reason to do nothing ... but then you do it when there are reasons enough not to do it .... the truth is after all the detailing you do not have it in you to see the big picture ... the ability or the desire or the strength, i do not know. like that dialogue in the movie Akhir Kyun, or maybe the last few lines of that Galsworthy story ... you only hide .. or evade ...but "chhupta nahin dhuan"... which is why i was almost compelled to write by those lovely violet flowers in Dediyapada .... but then held off to take in the beginning of another season ... another title challenge .... only that this time i'm a few months to the good ... have hard that U2 song a few more times .... and remember it fewer than before ... countered depression with its own dose, fumbled aound with my spellings, tried to philosophise everything .... and revive a cellphon. Losing and finding your God again isnt easy .... you're not even sure of the sameness of eternity ... its like waiting for the bus ... waiting. thinking about people makes your thinking so confined ... even if those people happen to be from your fav novel .. and make some of the most remarkable quotes ... but despite those quotes, you dont like to remember them people. and to think that one should go on a journey to find self ... which is still nobler compared to some other searches .. but what if the two become one .. can the two become one ? in true Sufi style God becomes beloved ... and maybe not in Pip style ...     ... its often the unspoken which changes things ... but should it remain unpoken just because you have no words for it or because you want it to remain unspoken ... for the time being, let me think of the tree, the brownrolled up sleeve, the blue jeans, the ..... because that is something i do not have words for and even if i found some, i wouldt speak those ...