that umbilical chord you can never part with ..

life is like an old song ... you dont often remember what it was but you know you liked it and no matter what you are today, you will still like it ... sometimes you try too hard to recall the notes, try to hum along and get the words right ... sometimes you simply continue to relish as layer after layer of dust hiding the memory is brushed off .... sometimes the song will remind you of others of its creed, maybe giving rise to an occassional confusion or comparison even ... at other times, it creates a void, and fills it the very next moment with its glory ... sometimes you rush into it ... you do want to listen to it again, but its best heard when it stops you in your tracks ... you are able to appreciate the wholeness of it, and yet pay every attention to the minute details ...
whichever way, it does take you on its own course, ... perhaps this is why they say "on a song", floating, drifting through the air like the musical notes ... rises and falls, begins with words ends with sounds but for those 5 minutes when it does hit you, its all that matters, its all you need to know.

in the company of noone

oh, and the last post had nothing to do with the title ... but not to disappoint, the Xs and Ys follow here .... surprise that Blues Rock has found favour with me in the last few days ? ... don't be ....

i dont remember when was the last time i was in a movie hall all alone. i dont even remember what alone means anymore .... alone with all the people or alone with companions. or alone as in all alone. and i dont know wht hurts more ... not talking or the dilemma of whether to call or not .... you know you are lonelier then ....

sometimes you crave loneliness .... and you know you have to do something all alone .... because its your thing. nothing wrong with that i would say as i have ben on both sides .... trying to stay aloof and trying to snap someone out of a mum spell, only to realise and respect the fact that what was needed was probably sometime all by oneself.  and then theres the third angle, the fact that you will not do anyone any good unwittingly by being with them when not in a good mood. and its this which is the most difficult to understand and explain.  this is where one again in his understanding of loneliness, its craving and its cringing.

Rock on

far too often, far too late ........ i have realised that i never really completed the things that i started .....

in case you are wondering why the text is so broken its because i lost the original version ... well, going back, its not that i did not want to complete the things ... or never wanted to do it in the first place ... no .. i def did have a start off in a confusion of motley ideas that has always given me my limited sense of clarity .... its not as if the reality changed .. it was just that i did not like to pay heed to what are now the tell tale signs of a slow impending death ....  sometimes because i thought that there was a greater goal to be achieved by redirecting elsewhere ... and am not even talking abot things where i needed someone else to do something before me .... maybe just a case of "wouldnt it be better if we had more information ?" ...  of false half starts and sudden cold feet or imaginary display of wisdom and righteousness ... and its 27 min already .... and i have listened to the three reminders, for doing something which i was hesitant to do in the past and would be hesitant to do in the future ... but whats worse, i will keep reminding myself that i did not do it in the past .. even keep souveneirs ....
happens to the best .. after all, it was for no fault of his that the poor pigeon was left incapable of flying .... he wasnt a follower or a disbeliever .. yet he got half burnt .... he did not belong to a confinement drawn once by some men and debated and fought over since ..... yet he lost one of his legs ... probably he never really finished what his destiny becokned him to ... to fly away leaving behind the luxury of soldier feed ...

i switched newspapers so that i could read the Sunday book reviews more often than those odd mornings when i did get up in time to have breakfast .... and for the last three weeks, i have read less of the sunday newspaper than whatever of it i assimilate everyday .... you see, i have completed what is arguably one of the biggest achievements in the history of my organisation. unflicnhing, un deterred, shaken but quickly steadied ... i have closed the chapter. where even celebration is a meticulously planned and well coordinated sequence of activities.

groovy kind of ....

groovy to the extent of getting into a groove ... the scariest thing could be doing things mechanically, things that wouldnt set your heart rocking on ... even Nadal finds some joy in chasin down those long balls .... its almost just as bad, if not worse to think that my heart would be expanding and shrinking at the prospect of saying something really sarcastic rather than thump as it gets lost in the woods of thought .... i wonder why temptation is more often than not dark ... why must the sunny sky and the lonely night, both be blue ? ever wondered how too many things/people with similar Xi have similar names ? another day of being the devil's advocate, running short of inspiration and too much perspiration .. wonder how much of the sweating was in doing and what, for all the protons in the world, for worrying, evading. a full stop after a long time, makes for one monkey down. and another. kids find monkeys entertaining. what if a one way street hits a dead end ? u crawl to the end having raced most of your demons, letting them catch up. do great people come in once in an era ? or is an era defined when the great one arrives ? am i looking for that one perfect statement or trying to figure out whether one is better than the other ... whatever happened to uniqueness ... guess my last leaf will find me one day. hmmm

zilchiness

you need a reason to do something but you dont need a reason to do nothing ... but then you do it when there are reasons enough not to do it .... the truth is after all the detailing you do not have it in you to see the big picture ... the ability or the desire or the strength, i do not know. like that dialogue in the movie Akhir Kyun, or maybe the last few lines of that Galsworthy story ... you only hide .. or evade ...but "chhupta nahin dhuan"... which is why i was almost compelled to write by those lovely violet flowers in Dediyapada .... but then held off to take in the beginning of another season ... another title challenge .... only that this time i'm a few months to the good ... have hard that U2 song a few more times .... and remember it fewer than before ... countered depression with its own dose, fumbled aound with my spellings, tried to philosophise everything .... and revive a cellphon. Losing and finding your God again isnt easy .... you're not even sure of the sameness of eternity ... its like waiting for the bus ... waiting. thinking about people makes your thinking so confined ... even if those people happen to be from your fav novel .. and make some of the most remarkable quotes ... but despite those quotes, you dont like to remember them people. and to think that one should go on a journey to find self ... which is still nobler compared to some other searches .. but what if the two become one .. can the two become one ? in true Sufi style God becomes beloved ... and maybe not in Pip style ...     ... its often the unspoken which changes things ... but should it remain unpoken just because you have no words for it or because you want it to remain unspoken ... for the time being, let me think of the tree, the brownrolled up sleeve, the blue jeans, the ..... because that is something i do not have words for and even if i found some, i wouldt speak those ...

yaara silly silly

so when do you really know ? or do you really ever know ? there was no way i could have withstood the onslaught ... eventually gave in and am here now .... still ... ummm .. doing something which was initially called "looking for answers" .. the answer to my question came in the form of a number of questions, .. questions for which i had no answers .... like never remembering to mail anyone on his birthday but checkin mailbox every 5 min .... its like pretty connecte to people but again disconnected from their inner self .... when do you really know  when have you lost it ? when its too late ? or is it ever too late ? guess you can only be too early .... or can you ? looking for perfection has probably done more harm to itself than anything else ... so when do you really know ? and then when you do, does everyone else know ? is everyone else ready to know ? and probably, they already know something for the time for them has come but you dont really know .... so when do you really know ? i started this with the prefixed notion that its best to let the expert decide ... but then i guess its too busy with self pity ... starting what it cant finish ... cant even endure getting finshed ... so i guess its only when you find your favourite things dont attract you anymore that you realise ... that now you know ... like now ... like here ....its time for me to sleeeeep :)

Actually, .....

This is a beautiful poem that I found on Youtube next to a scene from Love, Actually

I loved you, and I probably still do,
And for a while the feeling may remain...
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin
Translated by Genia Gurarie, 11/10/95

on a day when i have heard the word actually being used, misused and abused, when everything, including Harry Potter would have been dubbed as 'actual', when the solace is in destiny, which again would be 'actual', and so would everything be which isnt factual. i look at the white mug which survived the hard ride of a cargo hold, and being thrown arond and slept on, of the kite outside my window, fluttering for the last 2 months, the love messages it once carried now washed away, its body in tatters, knowing fully well that the only way it can survive now is by hanging on to tree but it still tries to free itself, and as i listen to Notting Hill songs, thinking, searching for my 'fiqrat', just like the kite. Its been two months to Uttarayan, two months to the Alumni meet where the white cup was a piece of memorablia, two months to me being the superhuman me, calling upon the weakened, sapped out, hollowed me to try to be the same man again. And i say now, enough. Enough Now. Life was beautiful even in Auschwitz. even in the Gulags. even in Room no 5. an i smile, dont know at what but i do. and isnt this what i do best ? and i smile more . .laughing for no reason. "Ya to main deewana hoon ya yeh Teri taufeeq hai !" and the smile sticks.

dil, dosti etc ....

its sometimes pretty difficult to decide which voice to listen to . the voices in the head ... that speak of memories ... that speak of hyper actve imagination which can even blur memories and force the mind to start believing what happened only in one's dreams ... but i remember this one very clearly ... i definitely did not imagine this ... i saw with my eyes for real .. i saw the same stripes, the same mane, the same eyes that shone out ... the other image that stuck out for the entire day, why, should i ask, after yesterday when the big and then the small change happened ? why today of all days, shall i ask? why that head trip so early in the morn ?
reverie ? definitely not ! wishful thinking ? maybe .... longing ? ... ummm .. ask the 8 guys who had love as a part of their status msg ... ask the 11 ppl who had V-day (and anti V-day) slogans in theirs ...

and now, curse be upon us, i have to rush back to office to finish off some work that will be discussed on, trashed or maybe remain unseen, occupying those precious Kilobytes,

"Lamha kahaan woh kho gaya .. ek pal mein tanha ho gaya"

 

Grille de nombres

PAN, Horsepower, Torque, PNR, phone bill, customer ID, cvv, 'what an idea', grain size, RPM, minutes, pulse, Megawatts, '"meter reading", anniversaries, percent completion, shoe size, megapixels, gigabytes, flowrate, calories, kilgorams and inches, toothbrush bristles, pin code, bill number, salary figures, loans, investments, steps to climb and floor to stay, final scoreline, mileage, tonnage, test scores, page number, GDP, P/E, Sensex, interest rate, weight per litre, exchange rate, crude price, efficiency, version, unread messages, attendance, headcount, rbc count, eyesight, richter, decibels, Celsius, 509, Two-Naught-One, Ninety Five-K ....

Feelings ?
I'll tell you what I'm feeling. I feel Numb. Numb-ers

dinner ?

hmmm .... the feet stink ... did i forget to change socks again ? whatever .. and whats that ? looks like an antibiotic ? did the maid fall ill ? was it a relative of hers ? and why did she leave it here then ? something doesnt look OK ... its a bit smudged and pasty ... ah yes, let me put on my glasses .. it is pasty ... could it be those pills the doc gave me when i broke my toenail ? hmm .. i just clipped off the las bit off that nail yesterday ... which reminds me i have to clean it with an antiseptic .. and also have to clean my ears with an earbud ... but how did these pills land up here ? did i leave them in my shirt pocket ? which shirt did i wear yesterday ? the blue one .. but i wore that after a long time ... was it in the pocket all along ? but i didnt feel it in my pocket yesterday at all ... when did i get hurt ? i carried those things around for a week or so after i git hurt ... no wait .. a week or so after i referred to the medic which was again a week or so after i git hurt .. but i was already training for the dance thing before i left for Bombay ... so it must have beena week around then ... hmmm ... anyways, the cell phone is low on battery .. must charge it .... what song was it that the cabbie was playing ? hmm lets look it up on the net ... its the strange smell again .. the wind must be blowing in a south easterly direction today ... but cold winds should ideally blow in a north westerly direction ... great ... the net speeds suck .. and the media player sucks too .. and the dvd drive and the dvd and the stupid movie i am watching ... hey that remondsme of ID and Kowshik :D .. hmm consultants both ... uhh .. the phone is ringing ... must be under that pile of clothes somewhere ... darn !! i forgot to give those clothes for ironing again ... hey .... whats that dirty shirt doing in that lot ? i still havent found the cell phone .. or checked the latest on EPL ... must have left it in the trouser pockets ... Jeez !! i had left it fir charging ... ohk so its the cook calling me for dinner .. what was he cooking in the evening ?? oh methi .. goody ... shouldi change my shirt ? its pretty dirty after today evening ? and sweaty too ... man dont fel like taking it off .. its too cold .. and the window is too far to close ... i'll just put something on ... ohk .. so where is it now ... probably should try turning the pile of clothes the othe way now .. crap crap crap !!! ... my sweatshirt i still in the sports complex ... oh great .. man i think i'll continue to watch this dumb movie ... dinner did you say ?

sense and simplicity ...

i once read somewhere that the most obvious sounding solution, or the answer which can be explained in a very simplistic way is usualy not the correct one .. but still, as a gut feeling, most humans tend to accept that as the perfect truth. haven't really pondered over that, but was just wondering, whether sense and simplicity will ever be achieved all together ? i mean, what seems the sensible thing to do, or more often, happen, will never happen ! what will happen will be utterly complicated till it lasts and then inexplicably simple. But, what emrers out, will mke great sense to begun with, but will always defy logic !!

Ok, too much of riddles. was speaking to an ol fren on the phone and heard about the new developments in his life. Had been with him when he had been going through a lean phase a few  months back. That phase did not make sense. It should nveer have happened. But it was bloody simple. Go and do the job because its not yet done. and then, when the job did get done, it didnt make any sense. there was no need to go through such complex procedures to yield simplicity. what we see may hide what has already been forseen by the supernatural powers i think. and while we wander in our quest for simplicity or sense, achieving none, but hopping from one illusion of sense to another make believe bubble of simplicity, it must be utterly sensible and the most obviously simple thing for destiny to do. traversing in a sinusoidal wave of sorts, with crescendos and pits, can be a very tiring osciallting motion. but if there couldever be finite boundaries of time, one would se the displacement undertaken while swinging back and forth.

So here's a toast - To all that you did, and all that you did not, for all that you wanted to achieve, and all that you could not even after a thousand attempts, all that you had planned to do, and all that happened on the spur of the moment !!!  ... Cheerz ! for you are bound to change your frame of reference ! if not for anything, but only to prove that the frame of reference doens mean anything !

________________________________________________________________________________

 

and it all sounds so much like ever before. Something i so passionately searched for the other day led to disappointment. In the end, i settled for the second choice. The second choice was there for sure, but when i got it, i found that i hated it if only because of my myopic and narrow vision .. common, this may not have been the numero uno, but was like the Les Bluez ... secnd but very very highly rated ! .. hmmph, never mind, time to continue .... and i get in today, hoping to get the job done with the third preference and Lo ! staring at me is my prime choice :|

i havent given up on anything yet .... just like i havent given up on writing ... blogs that barey anyone can understand ... if they wade through the maze of typos and spelling errors that i have lately picked up in what can be called Chitragupta's own country (Godz own country was awesome, and this place is just a tad bit different in most aspects except for a major change in looking at the one thing that really counts) .. to even spams that most people would filter out .. Orkut gave up one me by blocking my "message all freinds options" considering spamming 815 people is not a very good idea but i havent !! someday i'll probably trade off this desire for keeping things simple for myself and complicating it for others at the same time for some al round sense, but given the way i have been so far and all those JLTs, all i can say is wishful thinking is still not taxable :P