hmph

dunno why i am doing this .. i badly ned rest .. esp after long hours put into reading those wild cases and then followed by 19 hrs of non stop journey on road ... but i suddenly came to this realisation that our life is much more than just that - our life. the matrix would say its the sum total of the remainder of all the anomalies of this universe .. which somehiw seems to fit me more thanany1 else ... but what i relaised today is tht there is definitely a grand design of things thta nature has in stoee for every individual. however, the grand design is not revealed until enough efforts have been made. and then, comes the realisation that it was nt meant to be .. or maybe, i hope someday, thats the way it was meant to be. whatever we do, fits into the grand design, we can only alter the way we end up there. the grand design maybe longer than you think. it may also be applicable selectively only - to just a few results.. the ones that are truly grand in your life. the seemingly interlinked events may not have anything to do with the finale. but, its there ... waiting for you to go ahead and try it out. cos what you cant change is the results, but what you can very change are the memories that you take back from it. after all, the fun part is in action, sustained action that goes beyond the sum total of the markers that only direct you to the true goal.

pensieve

i realised i was heading nowhere. i was dead. searching for the dreamer in me, i came accross this beautiful couplet from Ghalib Sahab. n then began this quest to feel complete again. maybe it wasnt as serious as i made it out to be, just the after effects of a nagging illness. but anyways, here i am trying to pursue one of my biggest love - writing. and what i will be writing about is any random thought that crosses my mind. nothing more, nothing less for the perils are one might lose track of what he had set out to do. just what i remembered from my past. not because i tried to but because it hapened jlt. and thats what makes it so special. no, i am definitley not trying to discover myslef, but am simply being me.

or am i only fooling myself ? i have already forgotten what i wanted to write! but then, the sheer magic there is in knitting together words that seem tocome striaght from my heart which many old to be the seat of God in a man, is enough to make one submit and flow with the thoughts ...

well its been almost a week since i write tht .. or has it been more ? whatever, it does not matter because i still havent found the answers .. but trying to find them, i post here some random flash from the past

"Very Quick and very wrong" (Microorganisms for trace nutrients ???? !!!!)
name please - RC (a perfect example of bitching)
parent teacher meeting in town !!
and of course, in the run up to the event, its the ozone layer which makes OZ bowlers apply glycerine !!

i have been wronged .. i forgave them all ... will i be able to forgive these ? i hope so ... i wasnt wronged  against, the agrieved person wouldnt even remeber probably ... but thn i do ! will i b able to forgive ? i hope so ...

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its been another week or so .. and this time its me for sure :)  after all it was my bag, my tiffin box and crumbs from my lunch ... every day, i would come back from school, change and settle down for lunch .. and then get chided by mom for having faied yet again to take out my lunch box (the green plastic one that i used for i guess 8 long years to be succedded by my elder bro's identocal white one for the next two years ..... he had a much better handling of all objects than i could ever hope to have !) and on days, when i really did remember, i would also take out my school diary (yeah baby, we did have one fo those with space for teachers' remarks, reason for absence to be written by the parents and to be signed by the class teacher and the principal, and of course, the all important National Anthem and the school prayer and college anthem) .. and the only reason to do so was to check what classes i had during the day and to try and vaguely recollect what had transpired in those five hours at school in 8 sessions of 35 min each (hehe, have been sleeping in the classes for longer than you can remember ;)) and also to see what submissions might be needed for tomorrows classes (which would again mean a reason for me to try and bunk school without any uck though :( :D) ... but why i think of those days now is a much a mystery to me as it might be to you, the reader. the only reason why i can think of is that there was perhaps some elemnt in my life that i miss now. but for a change, i will not try to make sense of it now. i will simply savour the yummy taste of the two bread slices with "malai" and honey and the tasty tasty apple :) ahhhh :)

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n ts back .. the feeling of roughness .. as if i just touchde something very rough coming after a smooth n polished surface "sanmaika"  or whatever they call it .... of suddenly havinf=g steped barefoot on some weird kind a grass ... the grass tht grew almost everywhere but i the one place i diostinctly remeber was in front of the place of worship (which explains the barefoot thing)  and before the car parking lot next to the huge rock. ntalking of tht same place a lil earlier still, there was a night time game of i spy and the big guys all hi=d on top of the parking lot having climbed the rocks n it was thrill to et em ... ..  meanwhile, i am still having difficulty in walkin on the grass .. cant go further n cant go back .. it hurts hichever way i go ... n i come back to the Thallessery beach where it was the same ... chasing a cric ball ... the smooth run ends in rough patch n when ur there u dont know which way to go ... n often u realise pretty late tht u r trapped ... n even longer it takes to realise tht its ur inertia keepin u trapped there ... n rash actions wont help ... funny

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and i heard this one while surfing through the channels ... "Main gira to ruk gaye the sare lekin sochta hoon uthane aye the kitne" or something like that .. was gripped by a sudden feeling that i have come accross this before ... but i have never read these lines... have never heard these before .. thought it was Ghalib but even that turned out negative ... then what ? why this Deja-vu ? had i been through a situation like this before ? prehaps ... if i could have tripped on a groundnut shell or the shadow of a tree or an imli ka patta, how many actually came to see that there was the evil root sticking out its head from the ground omly underneath the shadow of a branch on an otherwise bright day, making it almost impossible to figure out if you are trying to keep pace with someone walking ahead at a brisker pace. and then its brought back after so so many years ! why am i doing this to myself! why am i letting others do this to me !!

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Thursday morning, breakfast .. IIMK mess... Daliya ..... one plate full of Poha and toped with corn flakes and about to help myself with a liberal doze of chutney .... but then .. that would also mean coming to terms with what has ben causing me a lot of uneasiness for the last five minutes. One yellow shirt, one trademark style, one unwanted companion, one lame excuse searched on the spot but never said, and it ends in a .. what  .. a Hi - Hello thing ? thats it ? not really some of it at least spills over to the evening, on some day in the same week, a blue shirt, a bandaged toe finger, an overtaking in a queue, a slipper out of action, people going high .. some on booze, some on testosterone, some on chairs, a would be preposition, and an assuring blink .. an extended blink and a smile and then, maybe then its over ! ohk so we have brought some logical conclusion. but the truth is, i would never want it to end. i would cling on to these images, sometimes more often less, but i wouldnt want it to end. i wish it would end but am too feeble to put an end to it. i talk about it, seek consultation, lie to an extent, hide behind doors, drink juice and dance with sticks, and damn the fate miss what i had set out to ... but had i ben in it what would have i done ? fumbled, bungled ? and then the greatest example of unity in diversity. and then i wish people and in less than an hour, those wishes would go down in vain .. probably even leave a scar or two .. but nothing in the long run i know ... and i know i have messcom to thank or blame all along for removing daliya from the breakfast menu !

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The train was Shatabdi express. I remeber that from the tinted glasses. and the soundproof cabin. and the fact that my mom said he wont be able to hear it. the train moved on ... we didnt. or maybe i didnt. for me this will always be the classic in my head ... he look of responsibility and slight resignation of loneliness and regretting the compulsions that kept one bound. No bounds now but that only lets memories float whenever and wherever they want to.

TGIL

Thank God its paper. u cn erase what u wrote. all u need is a small hint ;) unlike life, where so often than not, u cant undo what you wrote. or what someone else wrote ... even as you let them write it .. oh how i miss MS Word ... u can undo, redo, change authority to edit .. ahhh !! so many instances, where had you known in hindsight, you would never have let them in on your doc. thereare so many instances, where you would never have done all the good that some people never deserved. but then, its good, that long when all the fires have died out, long when all the pages have crumpled and got torn, long when the words have faded, the 10 on 10s tsill shine out. the blots, strike outs are all there but noone remebers. long after you stop rueing how you were once foolhardy and did a lot of things that you should not have done, its what you did is what you will be remebered for. things that you would have undone had u been given the choice. things that u could not undo. things that should never have been undone. things that never were. ahhh Thank God Its Life !

the difference between being great and being absolutley fantastic

like so many of my previous postings, this one too has a lot of mixed emotions ... crestfallen at the thought that everythiong has ended, and ended the way it did !(which again has two sides to it !) but still, I am very happy that it ever happened. that i have memories to cherish for the rest of my life. memories .. ah yes ....

there are three cars standing on a track ... same manufacturer, same color, different model, different driver ... the first, an Uno starts .... doesnt even bother the man reading the newspaper ... around half a min later, the second, a ferrari viper (or some road model) starts off ... he sees it go, and folds his newspaper ... around 1 and half min after the first car has shot off, the third car pushes off ... overtakes the Uno, which has by now already been overtaken by the Viper, and then then at the final straight, shoots past the much slower cousin ... the commercial ends ... the man was ofcours, Michael Schumacher. this would be the most trivial bit of racing that he must have indulged in, but on a more important note, it captured the essence that one man had come to be known as the sport's ambassador all over. i borrow a few words from a senior ex-colleague and mix them with my own, "the metrics are different when you talk of legends .. its not how many races he won, but how many fans he brought to the circuits .. its not how many titles, but how many title wannabes he inspired ... its not what he did, its how he did." and he did it in style. the magic moments he gave us would be cherished forever.

MSC P1. forever.

baby, i love your parietal bones

yep, thats right. i love the "irregularly quadrilateral in form, and with two surfaces, four borders, and four angles" thing. but thats not the reason why i fell in love. thats the flipside of not being able to say it out aloud, not being able to do anything but stare with a childlike innocence when you arent looking and then when you turn, acting indifferent. damn. maybe i am a dork. can raise hell, but cant mumble anything coherently directly to you. but then again, when you are around, i just have to act smart. for pnce, someone took my life away from me and i dont want it back. cos my life rightfully belongs to that person. after all, how many more people will be able to give a better and more accurate measurement of that person's skull ;)

oh yes, for thos of you, who havent figured out what parietal bones are, thats the rear part of the skull :D

humari kismat to ....

Langda - The pricipal catalyst in the story  ....  Tragically, the one person who truly loves him is the one who will have to settle the scores ...

can i move on in life? the man who never would be bahubali .. never would be anything more than "apna bhai" ... at least i know my initial self doubts were baseless. but then, why cant i just get on with my life again? My Life. feels like i owed a lot of people a lot of things. guess i would have at least repayed that debt by the end of this all. guess thats the peril of having a hero like Mrityunjay :) and while death conquers all, a life less ordinary can conquer even death. and for once, the dreamer in me kicks back to life for the love of a princess .. after all i am still on the safe side of the thread :)

deja vu

ahh .. the egg-jams have ended. not mine though. i was just vicariously experiencing the traumas of last year. just the weekend before the mid terms start, you get your laptops. confused where you loyalties should lie, you realise that the machine has cut off even your last few human contacts. the schedule hasnt exactly been kind enough to help you make great friendships other than wih those in your wing, your sectionmtes who sit somewhere around you, members of your assignment group or maybe the folks who were n the same train journey as you were. (orkut wasnt tht big a fad an year back !) so all alone, you sit in your room, thinking that you knew microeco but then when you look at old question papers and text book exercises the rude realisation strikes and you figure out that there is very little that can save you from doom. all that extra currs which you participated in with so much enthu, all those out of the way favours you doled out have taken you nowhere. and after youscrew up your exam, you are faced with MA, where you knew you werent worth a penny as an accountant's assistant's assistant. and as a result, you loose whatever remaining interest you had in studies. and in this despair, you try to seek out friends, nay more than friends, people with whom you can actually share your burden. and there on we tread into dangerous trritories... which thankfully never happened for me as i chose (knowingly or unknowingly) to enter the vicous cycle once more what with the high enthu beach trip and all :) but when i think of it now, i still fondly remember the parties rather than the sour grades.mayb e my outlook will change in the future, but till that happens, PARRTTYY ON :)

will the real auto shady please stand up ???

its so annoying ... you are going down the hill for a walk and there is a ric coming in the oppositte direction and then the guy inside just sticks his hand out of the ric and before you can figure out what happened, its gone, vanished around a bendin the road. what was that supposed to mean? as long as its not from a thulla, all it seems to say is .. well ...     ...    talk to the hand ! .. or something even more sacrilegious in Nigeria !! what people dont understand before a good intentioned hi is that i do not have the  privilege of looking at them. bhaiyyon aur behnon (rakhi bhi aa rahi hai :O) pleeaassee hi mat karo mujhe! i dont mean no offence but i WILL NOT reply back. you think thats being rude? dude, you then have no idea of how much i suffer at not having been courteous enough to a dear friend. and adding to the mystery is that i dont even know who it was. after all, i am "not a nice man to know" ;)

jaded, but not yet faded

when you start thinking of memories, of old times, good and bad, what is it that usually comes first to your mind? its pobably the first and the last events in a series of continuous chains .. even though they might be of the least significance ... even though the incidents in between might have shaped your life and you as a person on the whole, it is just those few moments that spring to the mind. was having this imaginary conversation with a friend (planning to call him and thinking of what all we need to talk about) i realised that the very first day we met (that was the start of the engg coll) was still floating in my mind, as if it had happened just a couple of days back. and then coming back to the present, i feel the first memory might be the only good memory about that incident which i am yet to see to a final end shape, but am not making any attempts to that end. all i know is that i can live with my memories as well, for a very long time, a few good memories .. and even in this short while, i am fortunate to have had one such incident. i am not sure if this is the end, the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning .. but am all too lost to decide for myself.

sweet tears

it was a day of tears. all day long i had been thinking how someone's tears can make you weaker and was at the same time thinking of ways to convey the message with a twist .. (more on tht later ;)) .. something like the onions u put in my lunch are bad for my health ..  but then i realised, that tears actually made me stronger. my tears, the result of my tribulaions, the overcoming of my fears. i never cried when Mumbai shook. but i did cry when i learnt tht Mumbai stood rock solid. i cried tears of joy. Thanks John bhai for reposing my faith. i am an even stronger believer now. for all that has been going on a round me, it was very easy to loose faith but then there has always been liht at the end of the tunnel. no, the etars of joy dont taste sweet, i actually tasted them. but yes, its like that tv commercial which says that i derive my pride from the fact that i am righteous, tht i shouldered my responsibility when the need so arose. and thats what makes me different. an average daily commuter in Mumbai, may be one in crowd, but today in my opinion, that unknown Mumbaikar stands apart from the crowd. and i swell with pride when i think of this. Jai Hind !

desire, duty, dreams

drifter, dreamer, drop out ... am i serious of my self professed vocation? or just too fond of getting high? what can i say about the truths i hold and the lies i tell? about the fires that burn within me and what is left once the flames die out. and even when i am true to most people, am lying to myself. and i threw it all away. yeah i threw away the keys. good for whom? not for me. maybe not even for you. i want my life back. i want the life in my life back. i also want my campus back. i want my net speed back, i want my mess parties back. i want happy to come back. i want you to ome back ... not sure where you are right now, not sure whether you will ever come back,not sure why i let you go away, nay, pushed you away. i want you again. again after all i have done. again, cos i want a new beginning. again, cos i actually want a beginning. finally.

two parts marketing channels, one part services, on the rocks with gyaan ...

the theory of absolut salesmanship goes something like this : u like a product because of certain of its intrinsic features. however, if you start liking it too much, you might end up doing something unappropriate. so u try to avoid doing something that u want to do. if pleasure denied isnt pain enough, its even more painful to see others having fun. and when you are trying to avoid, you end up being unnatural. but the very reason for liking the product was because it complimented you so beautifully and naturally. so u end up spoilingthe utilitarian value of the product. take a deeeep  breath. exhale. feeling better? no? just blame the illustrious placecomm and their binging and creative eccentric excesses. good night

main Devdas ek badnaam ...

oh shit! i cant possibly be writing about this .. this was supposed to be my secret .. was supposed to carry it with me till my grave .. it was to be my own little love story ... Was To Be ... but i blew it all away ... i know i did, but dont know why i did it ... i deliberatley tried to avoid her gaze whenever she was around .... i know this caused her anguish .. at least on one occasion i could sense that clearly ... but i still did it .... without telling her how much more anguish it caused me to be doing such a thing ... how much more anguish i felt in knowing i was causing her pain .. of all people her .... but i continued to do it .. until the day it dawned on me that she no longer felt anything ... and imagine my pain now ... if there is some way i can win you back my dear, please tell me .. i know o have been a fool o ignore you like that ... but i shout it out now ... I love you ... yes, i love you ... please tell me you love me too ... please tell me that you will let me ride on your saddle once more ... let me twist and turn those gears once more .. oh please ... after all its the Tour de France :)

jaage hain, soye nahin ...

well, i am not an atheist .. it helps a lot of people sleep better. no, they arent the OPus Dei types who atcually care too much about my religious/spiritual(me? huh?) inclinations. hell no, its here tht i have understood truly the meaning of being an agnost .... and realised that i definitely am not one. no, they are the ones whom i tell that its God's grace tht keeps me from crossing the line between my personal liberties and insanity resulting in others' inconvenience. and today, i almost came too close to doing it as well. but u know, it wasnt me ... it was something else that had taken control over me ... (oh c'mon, cut the evil spirit exorcism crap) ..and i understood that only when i acted natural. which i have never been shy of and always been proud of. but today, even the activities that i normally do were laced with an intention of making a statement. too much digression, sorry. coming back to the agenda, i was actually trying too hard to be cool, like so many others. but it wasnt exactly working out and then it was an even greater artificial attempt. such a vicious cycle. but thankfully, there was still something of the real me left, and that was what rescued me. it just happened ... i was myself and cool at the same time .. finally. thts cos my definition of cool had changed. no longer was it determined by the others. no longer did i need someone else's certification. and i could clearly see why i wasnt cool, in being myself or when trying too hard.

and then, the final solution .. some Lucky Ali music ! and if u r thinking why i titled this post after Jal's song ... its cos i am feeling very sleepy and cudnt decide in which state i am ... and hence ... looks like a continuance of an earlier post as well ;) but now that i am comfortably numb with sleep, i am gonna doze off now .... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
sleeping sure is the cool thing to do in the night :) .. as also is talking to oneself, or dancing on the stairs ... hmmm

united we stand, divided we study

dedicated to Mr. Arjun Singh. special thanks to Ms. Suma Kamath without whose wonderful inputs this piece would never have come about. also thanks to IIC (i guess it was Ravi Girdhar 'sirji' who actually brought about the thinking)

and i forgot to add this one the last time round - thanks to Pink Floyd for the wonderful inspiration

 

We don't need no reservation

We don't need no caste control

No dark sarcasm in the classroom

Arjun leave them kids alone

Hey Arjun leave them kids alone

All in all you're just another prick with a scowl.

 

the views are not my own. these are the views of the millions of students in the country. big applause to all the doctors in AIIMS and other mdeical instis for taking up the fight.

thinking about doing .....

everyone has been telling me to grow up. but dude i have grown up! in the train strangers no more ask me where i study, bjut the discussion centres around wht job i am in? often i just tell them am searching for one .. which is true in some aspects. at parties, ppl tell their naughty children not to bother "uncle". another few years and rhe world will be "grey". and then i think. what have i done in the last 22 years? the answer is not an easy one. in  fact i cant get an answer at all. and then i think that maybe i dont have what it takes to o something. anything at all. no i am not gettiing negative, but i have practically lost half of what i treasure .. and am loosing it all the time .. trying to do something is only driving me away. wel i think of all thts past, tohse free discussions tht have now turned formal, those sacrifices tht are now seen as an investment.. man i wanted to do something, have done it for the sake of something else but have lost something in return. i hope i can give back and get back something too.

sach ki talash hai .. door aakash hai

alot can happen over coffee .. or so they say ... well, a lot did happen buthen only if you start counting events as incidents ... well dont get me wrong, we did have a good amount of bonding taking place between us but there wasnt an emotional catharsys ... in fact it was like this last sentence .. sounded really nice but otherwise nothing to leave an impression .. but what did leave an impression was a solitary stand of defiance. man what does it take to stick to your guns in spite of all odds? what exactly? it was like Gandhiji having come alive once again ...man a lot did happen over Blueline ... it was the beginning of a journey without the traveller knowing what had happened until he had already gone beyond the point of no return. well you could wait and die there itself or maybe move on ... somewhere in the dark ... but what lights the path is the faith u have within... true there were a few candles there that did remind me of RDB but i was seeing beyond ... or rather i was feeling something that lay close yet very very far ... the voice doesnt echo or cause any of that fantastic effect but haunts me down.... and haunts me at instances when i am already haunted by absurd happenings ... can all these be a pointer to something?

well i'll move on to another few topics that i wanted to share for a long time ... the first one being an email forward that actually spoke about boosting your self esteem. man was i in need of one? i guess not. but then i liked it. it said commend urself dont wait for foreign appreciation .. hmmm.. gotta do tht more often ... start journlising to help u share ur pain ...and thts what i am doing right now ... well a host of other ones as well but i have forgotten about them nw ... the reason being that thinking of all those points like neglect failures etc made me see more of my failures .. yet the two things that actually i thought would help are still stuck in here ... conclusion i can really move on after a bad patch.

which reminds me of the other article which appeared in the sunday supplement of HT on 19 Mar 2006 .. and it spoke about how a negative frame of mind will ctually lead u into looking for a partner with a negative frame of mind . which will lead to a failed relationship and plunge u further in the depths of despair ...vicious cycle ... but that did look pretty much true . so somepeople will always have a loosing relaionship cos they are biologically intuited to seek out other loosers like him/her ... and then came this thought ... am i seeking out another wild spirirt like me who does not wish to be a part of a relationship? but how can i seek out if i love my independence so much? aaaahhhhh. man i understood finally that i am destined to remain a singleton for the rest of my life ... the ideal "made for me" person is also destined to b a singleton. unless of course Cupid strikes in between. but am in no hurry for that eiher ;)

finally, a non cryptic blog :D

ahh well its that time of the year again ... new admissions, which college to choose, K vs others .. IIM vs non IIM ... workex vs fresher batch ....blah blah blah ..well, this is my space, so i have the right to blurt out my biased opinion. but i will also be giving out the reasons why i think so. firstly, a fresher should take it as an opportunity rather than be apprehensive if he is to join a workex heavy batch. the reason being that the real world doesnt work like your school / college where people of mostly the same age group study/work together. you will as a manger, have to supervise over a lot of people older than you. even inthe workplace the composition is totally age non dependent. your team may have a lot of people older than you. if you carry a burden of doubts, you are doomed. this is an opportunity to prepare yourself better for the life ahead. even in my workplace for the internship, everyone is addressed to by name and the only thing that speaks for you is the work that you churn out.

point number 2: it doesnt get any better than this if you really want to learn things. when people with workex converge, they share their views about he world they have seen which for someis a jolt. and believe me these poeple need that jolt. no names mentioned but i guessmost readers would def understand what i am referring to. if learning by doing is more effective than classroom studies, then this is the best you can get.

point no 3: if friends is what you are looking for and feel that it will be diffcult to cut accross the so called "age barrier" then u r a misfit. one of the very importnt things of an MBA is making connections. and if u still feel shy about getting paly with a person two years older than you, the entire exercise was ... well, difference of opinions will be there but this is my blog and i wont respond to any query on this issue. ha!

so my take, dont worry, i took the plunge, and am very sure you will enjoy it. as for K, and this is where it gets strictly personal, and in fact the very reason why i am writing this - it is one institute which has its own unique culture and character. and i am sure that it is this character which will help establish it as an "institution" going beyond the realm of WIMIIs.

let there be light ... but for once, let there be darkness

i couldnt see anything. was lost. staring at the floor so intently as if i was searching or an 'ekanni'  (thts one fourth of twenty five paisa for the uninitiated). and not even realising that i had come a long way. ubt the fact is, i probably didnt even want to see anything. let me wander alone in the darkness for a while. i wanted to be alone, in suspense. uncertainity shrouded me. whether my decisions in the last one year were right or wrong ? whether my actions in the last one year were of any consequence as i liked to comfort myself by believing myself to be a "social asset" or mere hedonism. and then there were those last three days. barely had i managed to survive the series of consecutive D-days and then this. ohhh please leave me.... go away... dont come back.....avoid me just like that ....if i ever see u again in life, ignore me. but i know tht isnt possible. even if it was, i would be trying my best to make sure this doesnt happen, wishing it does at the same time. conflicts of head and heart. but wasnt i thinking too much into the future? come on, my days of trial were nothing compared to this ! things will b normal again. in fact, better.

today was the Eighth Convocation of IIMK.

but that is not thereason for this blog. the generator was on and the noise flowing straight into my room. and in my hurry to leave, i left the glasses behind. and was hoping for some darkness, a sign that normal power supply had been restored.

hum pe yeh kisne hara rang dala ....

well khushi kiski thi, i do not know. but it definitely wasnt Gulal or any other natural color. it was what i believe colors actually are, a representation of human feelings. so it cudnt have been green. i wasnt feeling envious of anyone. so what was it? i do not know. but i definitely wasnt too keen on knowing it either....

well i dont know when i started writing this blog .. or what i had in mind back then ...
but what i do know is that not so long back i had similar emotions running through me. now the reason is something that i might have mentioned in my second blog on this page. well, all is well that ends well. finally, i could say that there would be a lot more colours flying in the air htis time round.... and i hope all of them are different shades of what my eyes are seeing right now ... Seriously. now comes another dilemma, whose loyalty do i bring in first? well, i have madea tough choice here cos its not so easy to choose duty over emotions (or should i say transport in Gaurav's words?) and again, a song comes to my mind .. and again its MLTR :    :))       

I've chosen the road that I'm on, I have to join the fight for freedom until the war is won

and loose the battles we may, the war we shall win ! Amen

its only words .... and tears ??

question that has been prodding me for sometime now.... is it only words or do tears have a powerful effect of conveying a message ? i am not looking to find answers but to look at what is it that makes tears appear the way they are - unmanly, signs of weakness. well, Black did move me to tears, and an even bigger watershed was that of eleventh standard. but that is not all. several times, i have felt like i would have cried after listening to some really touchy tale, not necessarily related to me or any of my loved ones, but just an arbit thing. but i never did cry. in fact, i didnt even have to struggle to hold back my tears, it was all very natural. but the other day, i almotst broke the barrier. and the pain was not at all mine. in fact, those would have been tears of joy, of the victory of human spirit and of the celebration of the fight that we all put up with the mundane, sometimes victorious, often succumbing, but never letting go.
back to the topic, i heard somewhere that a man's tears are odubly powerful .. or smthing like that, i dont remember. should such  fuss exist? even for a woman's tears? it isnt a bit too much to say we are sexist in our opinions here. well, whatever. my motto still remains "Smile, the world looks better when you do" so keep smiling and be happy.

Tequila Sunrise with cutting chai

it was one wild night. no, it wasnt the farewell party, but a rather grim event, with a lot of tension and confusion till the nth hour in the air. but all is well that ends well. or so i hope. at least we gve it our best. the rest is left to the Forces. and after it all got over, the fun began. what with dancing to nelly furtado's powerelss at 5 in the morning to the realisation that being tucked in a small ledge is definitely not a substitute for a good bed, but what the heck, is definitely a lot more fun. and then, there were none. and as ususal it was time to prty, what with songs from our very own scon "neta" and the nasty adaptations some late late night/early early morning video shows in the audi, and then we were off for breakfast, and of course the cutting chai. well almost. cos the eight of us left on bikes after much cajoling (for the two Soniyes in Viru's words) and some scramabling for the bikes. after all 10 kms is not a short distance, and more so if u r in hill country. n then there it was in the middle of all the madness, the first signs of an impending sunrise. the lilac sabdwiched between two clouds ... ahhh. i was supposed to go with Mots, who finally decided to call it a day after none of the other scon members wanted to undertake the ordeal. and so i set out alone in the pursuit of the company on his bike later, but in fact i feel i was lukcy cos, the glimpse that i caught of the sunrise was simply breathtaking. the pics i clicked from Sam's cell are a testimony to it. by the time i left, it was already pretty bright. and dressed like a tennis star (please no comments on this... i convinced myself with great difficulty that i didnt look like a joker in the sweatshirt and shorts by repeating this to myself) without a worry. in fact this is where the blog should have begun in the first place. there will be a couple of other blogs again on this whole issue from each persons experience, but my aim was to seek answers and to write them down so that if i ever forget them in the future, i would look back and start afresh. afresh was exacly the feeling i had. and the movie buff in me started bubbling with "maan kahti hain ki agar thakaan door karni ho to ugte sooraj ki taraf dekhna chahiye" from the movie Seher. and my tiredness was all gone. and on that bike ride came the reiteration that there was life beyond the mundane, beyond what everyone has to go through. and it was this life that made each one of us special. and then the most startling realisation of them all. the more things change, the more they remain the same. what with deja vu in the truest sense of the word after all the deja status messages, when i could feel that same small time quiet in Kunnamangalam and that feeling of belongingness came back to me as if i was an eighth grader in Jhansi. hearing the cuckoo sing took me back to days so old that i even doubted if my memory still had them. man those mango treess, the small "chabootra around them. the cracks in the "chabootra", the grass work on the rock garden, the running around of the trees, the climbing and hanging from th branches... it was all there some two thousand kilometres and half a lifetime away from the scene of the action. the return journey was even more surreal with the golden rays streaming in from behind the clouds as if to say that someone up above is trying to reach out to those below, only if they would see this and realise it. that feeling of bliss overpowered me. everything was beautiful on this day - that unfiltered tea with dregs that usually have me jumping up and down, those socks hanging from my waits, partly tucked in my shorts. "tan ki thakaan to door ho gayi, ab man ki bari thi" even though there were avengers and pulsars parked around, i felt like God. even on that passion i borrowed from Mots. thanks again Motwani.

Mama dont preach

now this goes for the editor of the JAM mag for the blog on IIMC

Dear Rash

i can start by saying that my engineering almamter had red brick buildings way before IIMA had, or that some insti will definitley have better infrastructure than others, but what i want to say is that there are organisatoins, and then there are institutions. IIMC, like IIMA is an institution, and whatever policies they have adapted have stood them and the students in good stead. And institutes of higher learning are not the right plce to teach people discipline/importance of attending classes. and ask any of the successful business people from IIMA, if the most important thing they ever learnt in their MBA was in classrooms, even they would tend to disagree.

Thanks n regards

responsibility, maturity, morality ....

too much hawa hawai stuff ? if you think so, then you are one of those good old hammer and tongs kinda guys who ought to be kept in the museum. the words are very real, their implications deep. but should there be a limit to what we can call as our duty ? should those duties override one's right or vice versa ? yaar bahut panga hai. khair, let me return to the reason why i started writing this blog. i was reading the state of union address delivered by President Bush to the American people recently. although i was supposed to read a critic of the address and express my opinions on that piece, i couldn't resist the temptation to go ahead and read the article. and it was then that i realised that we have not been able to live upto the promise because we have never addressed ourselves. i dont mean the political implication. frankly, i have never eard any speech by any of the top members of the legislature/executive/judiciary. the reason is that i have seldom had enough respect for most of them and hardly ever the time and patience. nothing against Dr. Manmohan Singh and Dr. Kalam, both of whom are doing an excellent job and are one of the most capable men for the job. however, what i am referring to is the division amongst ourselves. the US pres calls on both parties to take their nation forward. what we do is try to put forward our own agnda. the president speaks of the history and glorifies leaders of both parties. we try to dig up old issues which have lost significance and in fact have been forgotten from public memory. a bill which is seen as against the public policy is questioned by everyone. we have lost the power to question because our own hands are tainted.

next comes the mindset. we have never considered ourselves as leaders. even the OB questionnaire confirmed this. i am no exception. even i had other notions of leadership, but i believe, that for myself, i am the best leader, the biggest superhero, the brightest star. vainity, maybe. but i say that because i believe that i have the senses to decide for myself. i may learn the hard way, or i may gain from others' experience and may correct myself. but voulnatry surrenderng to others or seeking to be led is no longer an option. learn from the richest nation and adapt their good practices. giving the Aussies back their due in sledging or bidding to take over the world's second largest steel maker, that is the way it should be. dream to do something good. innovate, get newer ideas to achieve the dream, achieve your goal. the one thing missing is Leeading. lead all the way from dreaming things others dont. doing it the way nobody does. achievement that celebrates the spirit of leadership.

masla kya hai ?

or should i call it "lalach buri bala hai" ? dunno, like most things these days, it could be either, subject to extraneous factors which give rise to organisation wide synergies. what that means is total bull crap that i am subjected to these days. worse part of it all is that there seems to be n respite from it all. i seeem to be sinking further in this muck. i have already written once about this, will write once again. i dint know where to begin from, where i left the last time round, claiming about Aukaat, or should i say that God is definitely not a socialist. tht there are no naxals to fight out in heaven. all of them musta gone to hell ! hey JPN u listening up above ? the reason why i write this is because my belief in the values is terribly shaken today. come on man, how greedy can you get ? its not about randomness, like i discussed in tht other blog, but is all about how equitable is it for some people to get screwed just because they were trying to help out in a social cause ? i dont claim to be a oh-so-goody-goody-guy, but yes, i have often acted out for the iterest of the people, but what i am now considering is whether the people deserved it ? surely there were some people who did, but then what about those parasites ? i have no other words for them, even though in the strictest form of the word, they are "self made men". who have theor excellent cgs to thank for enabling them to take any usbject of their choice that they want etc. butdo they really want those subjects ? systems backround, will get a good laterals job in sys. maybe even a ppo in sys. and majoring in fin and ops. why the hell ? just cos ops looks like a value add for the cv. and then u'll have the privilege of showing that u have a diverse experience. if these bastards appear for an ops co n then later dont join it in favor of a fin/sys co, wud ne1 question them ? what moral right do i have to crib about this when i did smthing even worse in engg. but tht agument would be something like "the lady's" argument. comparing two scenarios when there isnt any similarity.
and i am pressing cntrl+s to save whatever i have written in this blog. slaves of tech man.

but yes, continuing with the main thing, should i feel satisfied that i have at least done something good or should i too become like one of these zombies ? man i dont take BS and i dont give BS to others. one results in low grades in global courses, the other leads to poor grades in "mugga" courses. we are going back to where we started from. and the hidden previous blog. deja pooh. man in my election speech i said tht i am learning a lot here and will continue to learn. is the learning good? is the learning bad? and now i again ask myself, whether i have truly learnt my lesson of never wilting from the path of totalitarian good even in the case of the worst odds ? it for instances liek these that i like to believe in God (not Mithunda in case you are wondering). sorry for the balsphemy, but seriously, this is the first time in my life that i am leaving a blog with questions unanswered. a blog has always been the discovery of the inner me, wherein i talk to the blog, and the blog answers back, but actually its just me who has found the answers. )the reason why itso abstract usually) maybe this realisation has caused the magic to fail. hmmmpppphhhh i wish i could proudly say like Spencer Johnson, "i am a failure" but i guess its the fear of hurting the loved ones, maybe letting them down ... the komrade fighter spirit is going, and i guess so must i.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

poetry time

waise, if u look at it, theres nothing new abt it. this is an old compositin of mine writeen on 13 Feb, 2002. will leave evrything to speculation as to wht happened next, but u prob know the answer.

the sun is up and the sky is blue           (yeah i know sounds like Bryan Adams)
this dawn today has a lovelier hue
the mist has given way to pearly drops of dew
but the one thing missing is you, you and you.

hey seriously this was a genuine compo after seeing a lot of foggy days. i hadnt even heard tht Bryan Adams song then. n there r many more where they cm from. and the reason for this stil as to be uncovered, right?

@ Ankit: yaar i only wrote those Hindi shayari things, not the Bruce springsteen song ... i simply didnt giv the credits for tht ;)

pink?? nahhhhh.... gimme green netime

aaj bhi baitha kucch sochta hoon main aksar,
ki manzil khas hai ya yaadon bhara safar ....
kitni aage nikal aaya hoon main aaj yahaan
par dikhte hain sirf peecchhhe chhoote hue nishaan .

well for those of u cudnt make head or tails out of this (although i dont think u shud b even reading this if u r concerned abt ur mental health ..) it is an expression of debate tht rages in me .. whether the goal is more important or the journey itself, for after u have reached one goal, there is another one to be taken, but in the process, the memories tht remain r those of ur efforts, failures, triumphs ....

n those r all i hav nw ... its these things tht have made it worth it to try and achieve the goal... green? ah yes green, the color of the grass, the playgrounds, the parks, the swings, the slides ... why do i feel so nostalgic again? dunno ... evrything frm those toy guns to the comics we used to share n "xchange", those tumblings frm the bicycle, those wounds n dressings, those injections n bawlings .. i can see it all .... i have been trying to run away frm these .... tried to shut myself out, n then all of a sudden, i'm a nobody ... i run back to grab these memories ... finally i feel complete again.
"the complete boy" ahhh raymonds would be so amused at this. i, for one, am definitely amused and smiling.

....... or Pink?

hum aaj bhi aksar wahaan jaate hain. koi hawa ka jhonka kanon ko chhookar nikal jaata hai ... aur chhod jaata hai woh baatein, woh shabd aur woh yaadein ....

We played king of the mountain out on the end
The world come chargin' up the hill, and we were women and men
Now there's so much that time, time and memory fade away
We got our own roads to ride and chances we gotta take
We stood side by side each one fightin' for the other
We said until we died we'd always be blood brothersNow the
hardness of this world slowly grinds your dreams away
Makin' a fool's joke out of the promises we make
And what once seemed black and white turns to so many shades of
gray
We lose ourselves in work to do and bills to pay
And it's a ride, ride, ride, and there ain't much cover
With no one runnin' by your side my blood brother
On through the houses of the dead past those fallen in their
tracks
Always movin' ahead and never lookin' back
Now I don't know how I feel, I don't know how I feel tonight
If I've fallen 'neath the wheel, if I've lost or I've gained
sight
I don't even know why, I don't know why I made this callOr if
any of this matters anymore after all
But the stars are burnin' bright like some mystery uncovered
I'll keep movin' through the dark with you in my heart
My blood brother

my blood brother ......
Bruce Springsteen

Rang De Basanti ... or mebbe Blue or ....

after a long time, another blog comes up. well been busy for smtime n then i wanted o write this travel account, but just kept waiting... khair, here i am , this i sme, there is nowhere else on earth,i wud rather b..dunno if i hav already written this before, but nevertheless here goes again. it all started with a suggestion tht we hav a special IIMK screening for RDB, and with alumni coming over for the weekend, a time for them to relive their old coll days n .... u get it dont u? the reason i am writing this is not because i desp want to see tht movie, not because i am interested in meeting up the alumni or trying to foster desh prem or bandhutva ... but because i found myself in typical HDS style, being a jumble of contradictions. i spoke of this idea (not mine, but courtesy the new bulletin board) to sm1 else n he shot it down with the harsh reality tht it isnt feasible. smtime later, i was again mooting this idea to a different person and i found myself speaking in a completely different, a nayasayer type and a pleasant surprise was tht the other person suggested tht it is a gud idea n cud b taken up seriously. it was then tht smthing hit me. n it hit hard. yes, we did hav a few gud men who kept alive the spirit. .... and tht is pecisely the reason why i am writing this piece (sounds like i am upto sm masterpiece work hehehe ..). life isnt always a bitch, you dont have to be perfect, some things are not tangible. what matters the most is tht u know what path u r going to walk on. u understand fully what all difficulties you might end up facing ... it is then that u continue further, knowing tht despite all the pain, this is still the best path for you. now why i am stating this last bit of philosophy in this blog which began on a rather different note. its because i didnt expect tht one gentleman to drive home this fact. but he did it and i must say better than most ppl wud hav done it. and then again, when i was about to lose my cool with a few of the bumbling idiots, it was he again who unintentionally and without the use of words, told me to calm down. this brings me to the main point a hint to which i had given a few sentences back. in gettin bothered by each and everything, we might end up missing tht which really matters. it was this which was my most imp learning frm the Goa trip n now again n both times it was sm1 else who showed this to me. life is not at all a bitch, the spirit cannot be dominated and shall continue to soar higher and higher, its ok to make mistakes sometimes .....

"Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own"

U2 - sometimes you cant make it on your own